


Seminar on Heartache and Unlikely Friendships

by onemechanicalalligator



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Heartbreak, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:13:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26974972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onemechanicalalligator/pseuds/onemechanicalalligator
Summary: After Troy leaves on his sailing trip, the Dean is the only one able to help Abed cope with the loss.
Relationships: Abed Nadir & Dean Craig Pelton, Abed Nadir & the Study Group, Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Comments: 26
Kudos: 138





	Seminar on Heartache and Unlikely Friendships

Abed won't let anyone in the room after Troy leaves to sail around the world, and he refuses to come out of it. He hasn't eaten in days. He won't speak. Everyone is worried, unbearably worried, and that's when Jeff gets the idea. 

"Maybe we're all too close to him," he says. "Maybe it’s too much. Maybe someone else needs to try." 

"Someone else?" Annie asks suspiciously. 

"Just trust me," says Jeff. "It's worth a shot." 

He comes over later that afternoon with another person in tow. 

"Seriously?" Britta raises an eyebrow. "They don't even  _ like _ each other." 

"Maybe that's what Abed needs," the person argues. "Someone who's a little bit…separate from the situation." 

He goes to the door of Abed's room and knocks. 

"Abed, it's Craig," he says gently. "The Dean. Can I come in?" 

Jeff and Shirley look at each other, presumably both surprised by the lack of silliness or puns around the word  _ Dean.  _ They're even more surprised when, a moment later, the lock clicks. The Dean opens the door a crack and slips in, locking the door again behind him. 

* * *

By the time Craig finishes locking the door, Abed has disappeared, and it takes him a second to realize it's because he's curled up on the floor in the corner of the room, arms wrapped tightly around his knees. His skin looks ashen and there are dark circles around his eyes. Craig notices after a moment that he is shaking a little.

"Thanks for -- " Craig begins, but Abed interrupts him. 

"What are you doing here?" he asks dully. His voice is hoarse, and Craig realizes he probably hasn't used it in a few days. 

"Just came to see how you are," Craig says, and shrugs. 

“Why, though?”

“I don’t know, Abed. Because I’ve known you for several years now and I’ve grown to care about you. Because Troy’s and your relationship is beautiful and special. Because I’m worried about you and so are your friends. Take your pick.”

At the sound of Troy’s name, Abed puts his hands on top of his head and clamps his arms around his ears for a moment, then lets his face fall forward to his knees.

Craig waits a few moments, unsure what to do next. When it seems like Abed isn’t planning to move anytime soon, Craig sits down next to Abed against the wall and waits.

They sit in silence for a long time. 

Craig doesn’t try to talk to Abed. He just waits for Abed to feel ready to say something. And eventually, Abed does.

"I let you in here because I figured I could cry over losing the boy I love and it wouldn't have to be some big coming out scene," Abed whispers, turning his head slightly towards Craig. "I thought you'd be the one person who could just let me be sad without asking a bunch of questions I don't feel like answering." 

"I can do that," Craig says softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Abed doesn’t answer at first. He rocks slowly back and forth, letting the back of his head bang lightly on the wall. 

"I'm just going to sit right here, okay?” says Craig. “And you can tell me what you need, when you need it."

Abed stops rocking and nods his head, not looking up.

Craig waits.

He spots an unopened granola bar sitting on Abed’s nightstand. He reaches for it and then wedges it between Abed’s hand and his leg until Abed takes it. He holds it for so long that Craig thinks he’s just going to set it back down, and he’s surprised when Abed actually begins to unwrap it and then lifts his head to take a bite.

“When’s the last time you ate?” Craig asks. He’s been trying to keep his voice soothing and gentle this whole time, like Abed is a kitten who might get spooked.

Abed shrugs. “Before he left, I think.” He bites his lip.

Craig wants to scold him, but he doesn’t. He just keeps waiting until Abed finishes the whole thing and folds the wrapper and sets it next to him on the floor.

“I never told him,” Abed says, looking up at Craig. His voice and eyes are watery. “I never told him I loved him. And I never told  _ them,  _ obviously,” he adds, tilting his head toward the door. “And I don’t want to have to do it now, I don’t want it to be a whole thing,  _ oh, Abed came out of the closet, oh, Abed’s in love with Troy, duh doy, everybody pay up.” _ He shakes his head. “I can’t do it right now.”

“That’s...pretty fair, actually,” Craig says thoughtfully. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Abed just shrugs, and bends forward and bangs his forehead on his knees a couple of times.

“I feel sick,” he says. “And alone, and afraid, and like nothing will ever be okay again.” The tears spill out of his eyes and down his cheeks. He makes no move to wipe them away.

“That makes sense,” Craig says. “You’re grieving. And you’re doing it all alone. It’s a yucky, lonely, scary place to be. But things will be okay again! I promise, even if it doesn’t feel like it now.”

Abed shrugs.

“Did he, um...know that you loved him?” Craig asks. “Did you ever talk about it? Did he…”

“No,” Abed says abruptly. “I was trying to psych myself up to tell him when he decided to leave. Telling him after he’d made that decision seemed too manipulative, and he might have decided to stay.”

“Isn’t that what you want?”

Abed shakes his head. “He made up his mind about the trip. It’s not my place to take that from him.” He bites his lip again. “Anyway, maybe he doesn’t feel the same way, and that would probably be even worse. To know that.”

“Abed…”

“Maybe our characters weren’t meant for a romance,” Abed says. “Maybe we really were just there to queerbait the audience. Maybe that’s all we were ever going to be. And now it’s over, and there’s no resolution. And sure, there may be people out there who ship us. Who imagine the life I dream about. But at the end of the day, the studio made their decision, and we’re apart forever.”

Craig is silent.

* * *

When Abed finishes making his short speech, he curls up on the floor in a ball, his arm cushioning his head. He wants to go to sleep, to pretend that none of this is happening, but he can’t. He’s been drifting in and out of slumber the whole time he’s been locked in this room, and nothing makes sense anymore. His sleep schedule is all distorted. Everything is distorted.

The Dean is still sitting next to him, not saying anything. Abed appreciates this. There’s nothing  _ to _ say, and he likes that the Dean doesn’t feel like he has to fill the silence. Like maybe he respects what a crisis this is for Abed. 

They stay like that until someone knocks on the door, and the Dean gets up and opens it a crack. Abed can hear him talking, but doesn’t hear what he says. A moment later, he shuts the door and comes back. Abed sits up against the wall, and the Dean joins him. 

“They’re worried about you,” he says.

Abed shrugs.

“I told them they should go do something. I said I’d call Jeffrey if they’re not here when you’re ready to come out. I don’t know if they’ll actually go.”

“Thanks,” Abed says, a little surprised. “I know they mean well. But it stresses me out when they hover.”

“I believe it,” the Dean replies. He pauses for a moment, like he's trying to decide what to say next. “You’re not the first person to lock yourself in a room over a broken heart, you know.”

Abed blinks at him, unsure if this counts as a cue for him to ask about it, or if that would be rude. The Dean makes the decision for him.

“His name was James,” he says wistfully. “He was the first man I ever loved! He didn’t go on a sailing trip, though. He transferred to a different college. I had convinced myself that if he really loved me, he would stay for me.” He grins sadly at Abed. “He did what he had to do. I understand that now.”

“Troy would have stayed for me,” Abed admits.

“I know,” says the Dean. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I don’t think your feelings are one-sided.”

“Then why did…” Abed’s voice catches and he stops himself. That kind of talk won’t help anything. “It doesn’t matter now,” he corrects himself. “I don’t know what  _ does _ matter now, though.”

“You matter. Your friends matter. You getting through this together matters.” The Dean puts a hand on Abed’s back, and Abed startles and pulls back. He doesn’t do it on purpose.

“Sorry,” he says.

“No,  _ I’m _ sorry,” says the Dean. “I’m, uh, trying to be better about not touching people when they don’t want to be touched.” His eyes are wide.

“Jeff will appreciate that.”

The Dean nods.

“How did it feel?” Abed suddenly asks. “When your… When James left?”

“Like I was dying. Like my heart had been physically broken into pieces. It hurt badly enough that I remember it vividly all these years later! I thought nothing would ever be okay again. Like I’d lost the thing most important to me in the world.”

“Do you still feel that way?” Abed asks in a voice much smaller than he would like. He clears his throat.

“No,” the Dean said. “I don’t. But that doesn’t mean my feelings at the time weren’t valid.” He looks at Abed and raises an eyebrow, and Abed nods slowly.

* * *

Craig doesn't talk about his past much, so it's odd to be discussing James with Abed. But in some small way, he thinks this actually makes sense. Abed isn't the type to bring this up ever again. In a way, each of them has created a safe space for the other. 

They sit in comfortable silence for a long time, until they're both startled by a knock on the door. Abed glares at the ceiling. 

"I hate to say this," Craig says, wincing. "But you're going to have to talk to them eventually. They do love you and care about you. And worry about you." 

"I know," Abed sighs. 

“And they’re not going to judge you for your sexual orientation.”

“Oh, I’m not worried about that,” Abed says. “I’m more worried about the opposite. Of them being all extra supportive and uncomfortable and weird about it. I can’t handle that kind of attention right now.”

“Why did you never tell them before?” Craig asks.

“Have you shared  _ your _ sexual orientation with them?” Abed asks pointedly. 

“Well, no,” Craig admits. “It never seemed important.”

“Exactly,” Abed says. “It never mattered, and it still doesn’t matter, except it’s going to matter to them. And I don’t want to deal with that right now. I don’t want to deal with anything right now.”

“Which is why you locked yourself in here,” Craig concludes. 

“People think I don’t feel things,” Abed says, and his face is so neutral and blank that Craig can understand why. “They act like I’m a robot or an alien or something. I think it’s because I’m bad at showing my emotions, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my body or my face, so I just don’t do anything. But now I feel like I’m nothing  _ but _ my emotions. And I don’t know which is worse: people thinking I’m not feeling anything at all, or people thinking I’m feeling too much and can’t handle myself.  _ That’s  _ why I locked myself in here.”

Craig feels guilty, now, because he thought those same things about Abed. He cringes inwardly as he remembers calling Abed  _ special. _ To his _face._

Right now, though, it doesn’t matter what Craig said or didn’t say, because Abed has allowed Craig into his sanctuary and he refuses to mess this up. He can be here for Abed in a way that none of his close friends can be. Even if that means figuring out what to do as he goes. Even if that means doing nothing at all.

“What do you want right now?” Craig asks. “What can I do to help you?”

Abed shrugs. “This is enough,” he says, and rests his head on his knees. “If I talk about it anymore I’ll…” He pauses. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore right now. About him.”

“Okay,” Craig says. “Do you want to talk about something else? Or nothing?”

“I want to be distracted,” Abed says. “Can you distract me from everything?”

“Oh, honey,” Craig says. “Why don’t I tell you about my favorite outfits.”

* * *

Four hours later, Abed lets the Dean open the door. He whispers something to the study group and then everyone comes flooding in, and they surround Abed, and Abed, who has been able to breathe and relax and distance himself for a good chunk of time, who thinks he even took a brief nap in there somewhere, is ready for them. 

Jeff brings him a bowl of buttered noodles and Britta hands him a bottle of water. He sits on the bed and they surround him, Shirley rubbing his arm and Annie playing with his hair. 

They talk to him, and they don’t talk about Troy, they don’t talk about the boat. They don’t ask if Abed is okay, or why he locked himself in here, they don’t talk about any of it. 

Now Abed knows what the Dean was whispering to them. 

Abed glances up, meaning to thank him, but he is already gone.


End file.
